Here you will find jokes and sometimes some serious articles. If you do not have a broad sense of humour or may seriously be affected by what you read we suggest you do not read on, as some of these maybe offensive.

A teacher was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform.

She had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stop on itand really mess it up, but be careful not to rip it.

Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty it was. She then told them to tell it they're sorry.

Now even though they said they were sorry and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all the scars they left behind. And that those scars will never go away no
matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bully's another child, they may say they're sorry but the scars are there forever.
The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her the message hit home.

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Human Mysteries
The Human Body is a treasure trove of mysteries, one that still confounds doctors and scientists about the details of its working. It's not an overstatement to say that every part of your body is a miracle. Here are fifty facts about your body, some of which will leave you stunned...or...

1. It's possible for your body to survive without a surprisingly large fraction of its internal organs. Even if you lose your stomach, your spleen, 75% of your liver, 80% of your intestines, one kidney, one lung, and virtually every organ from your pelvic and groin area, you wouldn't be very healthy, but you would live.

2. During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools. Actually, Saliva is more important than you realize. If your saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

3. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
The egg is actually the only cell in the body that is visible by the naked eye.

4. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue and the hardest bone is the jawbone.

5. Human feet have 52 bones, accounting for one quarter of all the human body's bones.

6. Feet have 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of sweat a day.

7. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. The reason it doesn't eat away at your stomach is that the cells of your stomach wall renew themselves so frequently that you get a new stomach lining every three to four days.

8. The human lungs contain approximately 2,400 kilometers (1,500 mi) of airways and 300 to 500 million hollow cavities, having a total surface area of about 70 square meters, roughly the same area as one side of a tennis court. Furthermore, if all of the capillaries that surround the lung cavities were unwound and laid end to end, they would extend for about 992 kilometres. Also, your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

9. Sneezes regularly exceed 100 mph, while coughs clock in at about 60 mph.

10. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

11. Your body has enough iron in it to make a nail 3 inches long.

12. Earwax production is necessary for good ear health. It protects the delicate inner ear from bacteria, fungus, dirt and even insects. It also cleans and lubricates the ear canal.

13. Everyone has a unique smell, except for identical twins, who smell the same.

14. Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born. This is why one out of every 2,000 newborn infants has a tooth when they are born

15. A baby's head is one-quarter of its total length, but by the age of 25 will only be one-eighth of its total length. This is because people's heads grow at a much slower rate than the rest of their bodies.

16. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood the number is reduced to 206. Some of the bones, like skull bones, get fused into each other, bringing down the total number.

17. It's not possible to tickle yourself. This is because when you attempt to tickle yourself you are totally aware of the exact time and manner in which the tickling will occur, unlike when someone else tickles you.

18. Less than one third of the human race has 20-20 vision. This means that two out of three people cannot see perfectly.

19. Your nose can remember 50,000 different scents. But if you are a woman, you are a better smeller than men, and will remain a better smeller throughout your life.

20. The human body is estimated to have 60,000 miles of blood vessels.

21. The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs, worms and potted plants. Scientists have no idea why this is so, but attribute it to the growing imbalance of hormones in the body during pregnancy.

22. The life span of a human hair is 3 to 7 years on average. Every day the average person loses 60-100 strands of hair. But don't worry, you must lose over 50% of your scalp hairs before it is apparent to anyone.

23. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as an encyclopaedia.
Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream, and is itself made up of 80% water. Though it interprets pain signals from the rest of the body, the brain itself cannot feel pain.

24. The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself.

25. Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.

26. By 60 years of age, 60% of men and 40% of women will snore.

27. We are about 1 cm taller in the morning than in the evening, because during normal activities during the day, the cartilage in our knees and other areas slowly compress.

28. The brain operates on the same amount of power as 10-watt light bulb, even while you are sleeping. In fact, the brain is much more active at night than during the day.

29. Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour. Neurons continue to grow throughout human life. Information travels at different speeds within different types of neurons.

30. It is a fact that people who dream more often and more vividly, on an average have a higher Intelligence Quotient.

31. The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.

32. Facial hair grows faster than any other hair on the body. This is true for men as well as women.

33. There are as many hairs per square inch on your body as a chimpanzee.

34. A human foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

35. By the age of 60, most people will have lost about half their taste buds.

36. About 32 million bacteria call every inch of your skin home. But don't worry, a majority of these are harmless or even helpful bacteria.

37. The colder the room you sleep in, the higher the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.

38. Human lips have a reddish colour because of the great concentration of tiny capillaries
just below the skin.

39. Three hundred million cells die in the human body every minute.

40. Like fingerprints, every individual has an unique tongue print that can be used for identification.

41. A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it has been decapitated.

42. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.

43. Humans can make do longer without food than sleep. Provided there is water, the average human could survive a month to two months without food depending on their body fat and other factors. Sleep deprived people, however, start experiencing radical personality and psychological changes after only a few sleepless days. The longest recorded time anyone has ever gone without sleep is 11 days, at the end of which the experimenter was awake, but stumbled over words, hallucinated and frequently forgot what he was doing.

44. The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest blood type, A-H or Bombay blood, due to the location of its discovery, has been found in less than hundred people since it was discovered

45. Every human spent about half an hour after being conceived, as a single cell. Shortly afterward, the cells begin rapidly dividing and begin forming the components of a tiny embryo.

46. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

47. Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

48. Koalas and primates are the only animals with unique fingerprints.

49. Humans are the only animals to produce emotional tears.

50. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet in the air.

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Catholic Joke
Love a good Catholic joke ...... (Mother Angelica)

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers;
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and said "I am Mother Angelica and do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused..
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"


The worker yelled back,
" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

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Winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? 'like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

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A Blonde in Darwin

A blonde was on holiday, driving through Darwin.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 3 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........

" SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

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A Lawyer and a Senior

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Keep a bag of flour in your fridge
Impressive! Why did we never hear of this before??!! I've always just run it under the cold water tap. A woman's experience with burns . . .

Some time ago I was cooking some corn and stuck my fork in the boiling water to see if the corn was ready. I missed and my hand went into the boiling water....A friend of mine, who was a Vietnam vet, came into
the house, just as I was screaming, and asked me if I had some plain old flour... I pulled out a bag and he stuck my hand in it. He told me to keep my hand in the flour for 10 minutes which I did. He said that in Vietnam , there was a guy on fire and in their panic, they threw a bag of flour all over him to put the fire out...Well, it not only put the fire out, but he never even had a blister!!!!

... Long story short, I put my hand in the bag of flour for 10 mins, pulled it out and did not even have a red mark or a blister and absolutely NO PAIN. Now, I keep a bag of flour in the fridge and every time I burn myself. *Cold flour feels even better than room temperature flour.
I use the flour and have never ONCE had I ever had even a red spot/burn mark, or a blister! I even burnt my tongue once, put the flour on it for about 10 minutes .... the pain was gone and no burn.

Try it . . . Experience a miracle! Keep a bag of flour in your fridge and you will be happy you did!
BTW, don't run your burn area under cold water first, just put it directly into the flour for 10 minutes.
 

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A poem for all women who have lost a child:
I am wearing a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them, I wish I had another pair
Some days my shoes hurt so bad I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them
But once you put them on, you can never take them off
I now realise that I am not the only one who wears these shoes
There are many pairs in this world
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them
Some have learnt how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything
They have made me who I am
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
 

- Author Unknown -

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The Pineapple
The pineapple is a member of the bromeliad family.
It is extremely rare that bromeliads produce edible fruit.
The pineapple is the only available edible bromeliad today.

It is a multiple fruit. One pineapple is actually made up of dozens of
individual floweret's that grow together to form the entire fruit. Each
scale on a pineapple is evidence of a separate flower.

Pineapples stop ripening the minute they are picked.
No special way of storing them will help ripen them further.
Colour is relatively unimportant in determining ripeness.
Choose your pineapple by smell. If it smells fresh, tropical and
sweet, it will be a good fruit.

The more scales on the pineapple, the sweeter and juicier the taste.

After you cut off the top, you can plant it.
It should grow much like a sweet potato will.

This delicious fruit is not only sweet and tropical; it also offers many
benefits to our health. Pineapple is a remarkable fruit.

We find it enjoyable because of its lush, sweet and exotic flavour, but it
may also be one of the most healthful foods available today.
If we take a more detailed look at it, we will find that pineapple is
valuable for easing indigestion, arthritis or sinusitis.

The juice has an anthelmintic effect; it helps get rid of intestinal worms.

Let's look at how pineapple affects other conditions.

Pineapple is high in manganese, a mineral that is critical to development of
strong bones and connective tissue. A cup of fresh pineapple will give you
nearly 75% of the recommended daily amount.

It is particularly helpful to older adults, whose bones tend to become
brittle with age.

Bromelain, a proteolytic enzyme, is the key to pineapple's value.
Proteolytic means "breaks down protein", which is why pineapple is known to
be a digestive aid. It helps the body digest proteins more efficiently.
Bromelain is also considered an effective anti-inflammatory.

Regular ingestion of at least one half cup of fresh pineapple daily is
purported to relieve painful joints common to osteoarthritis. It also
produces mild pain relief.

In Germany, bromelain is approved as a post-injury medication because it is
thought to reduce inflammation and swelling.

Orange juice is a popular liquid for those suffering from a cold because it
is high in Vitamin C. Fresh pineapple is not only high in this vitamin, but
because of the bromelain, it has the ability to reduce mucous in the throat.
If you have a cold with a productive cough, add pineapple to your diet.
It is commonly used in Europe as a post-operative measure to cut mucous
after certain sinus and throat operations.

Those individuals who eat fresh pineapple daily report fewer sinus problems
related to allergies. In and of itself, pineapple has a very low risk for
allergies.

Pineapple is also known to discourage blood clot development. This makes
it a valuable dietary addition for frequent fliers and others who may be at
risk for blood clots.

An old folk remedy for morning sickness is fresh pineapple juice.
it really works! Fresh juice and some nuts first thing in the morning often
make a difference.

It's also good for a healthier mouth. The fresh juice discourages plaque
growth.

DO SHARE THIS INFORMATIVE ARTICLE!!

- Author Unknown -

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Catholic Horses
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

 He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.

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Something to Ponder
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
 

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ..I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I POSTED THIS BEFORE..........??????

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Drunken Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"...The Balcony..."

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A pirate walked into a bar.
The bartender said," Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate," I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, "said the pirate," We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied," Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained," We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate," One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one
of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender." You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
 

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An interesting article about FRUIT
THIS IS AN EYE OPENER
Dr. Stephen Mak says he treats terminal cancer patients in an "un-orthodox" way, and many patients recover. He explained, that before he uses solar energy to clear the illnesses of his patients, he relies on natural healing in the body against illnesses. See the article below.

Fruits and fruit juices are one of the strategies I use to heal cancer. Lately, my success rate in curing cancer is about 80%. Cancer patients shouldn't die. The cure for cancer has already been found, whether you believe it or not.
I am sorry for the hundreds of cancer patients who die under the conventional treatments. Very few live for 5 years under conventional treatments; most live for only 2 to 3 years. Without conventional treatments makes no difference, because most cancer patients also live for 2 to 3 years without any treatment. It is difficult to cure cancer patients who've undergone chemo and radiotherapy, as their cells become toxic and weak. Then, when there is a relapse, the cancer spreads very fast, as the resistance is poor.
Dr Stephen Mak

EATING FRUIT
This is informative!
We all think eating fruit means just buying fruit, cutting it up and popping it into our mouths.
It's not that easy. It's important to know how and when to eat fruit.

What's the correct way to eat fruit?

IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUIT AFTER A MEAL!
FRUIT SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

Eating fruit like that plays a major role in detoxifying your system,
supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities..

FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD.
Let's say you eat two slices of bread, then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it's prevented from doing so. In the meantime, the whole meal rots and ferments, and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach, and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.
Eat your fruit on an empty stomach or before your meal!
You've heard people complain: Every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet, etc. This will not happen if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. Fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas. Hence, you bloat!
Greying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes all of these will NOT happen if you eat fruit on an empty stomach.

There's no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruit becomes alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter.
If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruit, you have the Secret of Beauty, Longevity, Health, Energy, Happiness and normal weight.

When you need to drink fruit juice, drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans.
Don't drink juice that has been heated. Don't eat cooked fruit; you don't get the nutrients at all. You get only the taste. Cooking destroys all of the vitamins.

Eating a whole fruit is better than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it.
You can go on a 3-day fruit-fast to cleanse your body. Eat fruit and drink fruit juice for just 3 days, and you will be surprised when your friends say how radiant you look!

KIWI: Tiny but mighty, and a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fibre. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange!
AN APPLE a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C, thereby helping to lower the risk of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.
STRAWBERRY : Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.
2 to 4 ORANGES a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones, and reduce the risk of colon cancer.
WATER MELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system.
Also a key source of lycopene, the cancer-fighting oxidant. Also found in watermelon: Vitamin C & Potassium
GUAVA & PAPAYA : Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content.  Guava is also rich in fibre, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, good for your eyes.

Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer!

Can u believe this? For those who like to drink cold water, this applies to you. It's nice to have a cold drink after a meal, however, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you've just consumed, which slows digestion.
Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer.
It is best to drink hot soup, hot tea, or warm water after a meal.

HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE

Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they're asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Be careful, and be aware. The more we know, the better our chance to survive.
If everyone who gets this information passes it to10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. It can even be your life!

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Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World
Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number One Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

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Australia Bricklayers Report

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a *Darwin Award
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I proceeded
at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations
of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

************************************************************************

Pilots

The Air Canada plane leaves  Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg,...no mattah...all fukin same.

************************************************************************

Fifty Shades Of .......

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied
your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making
it all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........


Waiting…..

Waiting….

Oh the suspense! …



F...ing mosquito!
 

************************************************************************

I Remember Many Of These ..
I Owe My Mother!!
**************************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favourite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
 

************************************************************************

3 Maoris and 3 Aussies
Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
 

************************************************************************

Best Speeding Excuse Ever

This may be us someday, or maybe we are already there!

Best speeding excuse ever!
When asked by a young patrol officer," Do You know you were speeding? "this 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear-to-ear smile and stated: "Yes , but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day. Makes perfectly good sense to me.
 

************************************************************************

No Speakah De English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

$5.00 says you will read this again!

Enjoy life now - it has an expiration date

************************************************************************

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra

************************************************************************

Repairing Hearts
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
 

************************************************************************

Satnav

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive. "It's thirty miles an hour", it says "you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake. And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green. It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff. I do wish that once in a while, I could turn the damned thing off.
 

************************************************************************

Our Good Life is Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
 

************************************************************************

Engineer or Management

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and
spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man, "how did you know?"

''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".

The man below responded, "You must be in Management".

''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fu#@%"g fault."
 

************************************************************************

When We Were Children

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.....

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays;

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.  Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating...
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road…
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good...And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
 

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When you read this, you will never think of thunderstorms the same way again.
This will make you smile!

A Child's View of Thunderstorms
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.
At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile
When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

************************************************************************

Ta End Is Near!

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, pounding a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!  TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds  past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."


From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge
Out?'"
 

************************************************************************

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man
frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
 

************************************************************************

 Irish Math Test
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is now head of Qantas
 

************************************************************************

A Letter from "Mom and Dad"...
My child, when I get old, I hope you understand 'n have patience with me.
In case I break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I’m losing my eyesight, I hope you don’t yell at me.
Older people are sensitive, always having self pity when you yell. When my hearing gets worse 'n I can’t
hear what you’re saying, I hope you don’t call me ‘Deaf!’
Please repeat what you said or write it down.
I’m sorry, my child. I’m getting older.
When my knees get weaker, I hope you have the patience to help me get up. Like how I used to help you while you were little, learning how to walk. Please bear with me, when I keep repeating myself like a broken record, I hope you just keep listening to me. Please don’t make fun of me, or get sick of listening to me.
Do you remember when you were little 'n you wanted a balloon? You repeated yourself over 'n over until you get what you wanted.
Please also pardon my smell. I smell like an old person. Please don’t force me to shower.
My body is weak. Old people get sick easily when they’re cold. I hope I don’t gross you out.
Do you remember when you were little? I used to chase you around because you didn’t want to shower.
I hope you can be patient with me when I’m always cranky. It’s all part of getting old. You’ll understand when you’re older. 'n if you have spare time, I hope we can talk even for a few minutes.
I’m always all by myself all the time, 'n have no one to talk to.
I know you’re busy with work. Even if you’re not interested in my
stories, please have time for me. Do you remember when you were little? I used to listen to your stories about your teddy bear.
When the time comes, 'n I get ill 'n bedridden, I hope you have the patience to take care of me. I’m sorry if I accidentally wet the bed or make a mess.
I hope you have the patience to take care of me during the last few moments of my life.
I’m not going to last much longer, anyway.

When the time of my death comes, I hope you hold my hand 'n give me strength to face death. 'n don’t worry.. When I finally meet our creator, I will whisper in his ear to bless you. Because
you loved your Mom 'n Dad.
 

************************************************************************

Cemetery Music

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming
from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."

************************************************************************

Baptist Dinner
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and
Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are
expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and
diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem
to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and
Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a
white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 &
Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear.
She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had
happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll
give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will
be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and
pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came
out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about
this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

************************************************************************

Hillbilly Birth 
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . ..

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
 

************************************************************************

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
 

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'
 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Biatch!'

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"Dogs Welcome"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his  Vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like To bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed And very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel Owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your Dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
 

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Lost Car Keys ~ could this be you?
As we get older we have to be aware of issues like this. Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I've not stolen your car.
 

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What "IT" is!
It's been a year, you should be over it. What exactly is "IT"? But do people who have never suffered loss really know what "IT" is? To us, the bereaved...

" IT" is five days after the funeral, and your world caves in with reality of the loss.
"IT" is Thanksgiving Day. trying to find something to be thankful for.
"IT" is Christmas without the merry, and New Years without the happy.
"IT" is your first day back to work when every minute you are afraid you will burst into tears.
"IT" is their birthday, but there is no them to celebrate.
"IT" is Valentine's Day, only this time no hearts and flowers to share with them, and your heart is broken.
"IT" is your birthday, and there is still no them to celebrate it with.
"IT" is springtime when everything comes alive except you, that is.
"IT" is Easter and everyone is singing "Let us Rejoice and be Glad" but there is no rejoicing and no glad in your heart.
"IT" is Mother's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a mother made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
"IT" is Father's Day and you sadly remember how happy being a Father made you feel, or how you rejoiced with your spouse over the birth.
" IT" is the 4th of July and the celebrations remind you just how little you feel you have to celebrate now.
"IT" is vacation time and you just stay home, because there is nowhere to go to not feel so empty.
"IT" is Halloween and you pass out candy, but you remember all the memories of past happy times together and make you sad.
"IT" is seeing milestones in your life progress and pass and your loved one is gone, never to share them with.
"IT" is looking at the moon and wondering if they see the same moon like the two of you always did in the past.
"IT" is receiving the first wedding invitation to their friend's wedding and knowing that life goes on without your loved one. "IT" is going back into that church for the first time and remembering, but not remembering and feeling that all eyes are on you.
"IT" is going to another funeral for the first time and feeling yourself shaking all over, too distraught to stay, but unable to leave.
"IT" is doing all the things you always did, plus all the things you had hoped to do together, and doing it all when all of your energy has been used for grieving.
"IT" is being strong when you really feel weak.
"IT" is dealing With all the legality of estates and such when all you want to do is hibernate .
"IT" is a whole big bunch of stuff you didn't ask for, didn't want and can't even give away.
"IT" is going to the cemetery and seeing the monument with their name or even face. and it hits you in the face that THIS IS REAL!
"IT" is feeling like a traitor when you get rid of their personal belongings.
"IT" is approaching the first anniversary of their death and reliving it all-oh yes, some things might be better but the void is no less.
"IT" is people forgetting and you cry, and people remembering and you cry.
"IT" is a future of unknowns and uncertainties and emptiness. "IT" is in the first glimpse of sunrise and in your last waking breath, and even finds ways to creep into your sleep and your dreams ...
So maybe when someone tells you that you should be over "IT" by now, you should just tell them what "IT" really is!

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A "paraprosdokian" is a phrase or sentence that leads us down the garden path  to an unexpected ending. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a  paraprosdokian. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal ideas from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
 

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You think English is easy??
I think a retired English teacher was bored.
THIS IS GREAT!
Read all the way to the end.................
This took a lot of work to put together!

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture..

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!
Now it's UP to you what you do with this.
 

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The Shoebox 
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was In the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls And a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me The secret of a happy
marriage was to never argue. She told me that If I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer...... .
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death, Because I don't have the freakin time to crochet.

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Worry
Is there an imaginary cut-off period when Offspring become accountable for their own actions?
Is there some wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug,
"It's their life", and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head and I asked,
'When do you stop worrying?'
The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage..'
My Parents just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career
making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.'
My Parents just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open.
A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. 'Don't worry! In a few years, they'll be adults. 'They'll be off on their own, they'll be out of your hair'
My Parents just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was so tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, But there was a new wrinkle..
Even though they were on their own, I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments..
And there was nothing I could do about it.
My Parents just smiled faintly and said nothing.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life.
I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by My Parents' warm smiles and their occasional,
'You look pale. Are you all right' ? 'Call me the minute you get home'. Are you depressed about something?'

My friends said that when I became a Grandparent that I would get to enjoy the happy little voices yelling Grandma! Grandpa!
And now I find that I worry just as much about the little ones as my big ones.
How does anyone cope with all this Worry?

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry?
Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown?
Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of earthly creation?

Recently, one of my own children became quite irritable, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days,
And no one answered, I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.

PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS & GRANDPARENTS
(OH! And also to your children... That's the fun part)
 

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Hi folks,
if any of you have ever had a colonoscopy, you will agree with the following procedure.. If you haven’t yet, well it’ll give you an idea of what’s going to happen to you & it isn't very nice either.
Go on laugh your head off ---------------------

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my spouse saying that my head is not up there?'
 

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This Policeman really knows his stuff

A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.”
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
 

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A dancing and singing cockatoo
Snowball is a medium sulphur crested Eleanora cockatoo and he loves to dance and sing.
He loves the Back Street Boys.
No one taught Snowball to dance...he just heard this song and suddenly felt like dancing.
We're all jealous because he can out dance each one of us...nobody likes a show off!
When he's really in the mood, he dances and sings.
And at the end of the performance he takes a bow or two or twenty!! Enjoy the show.
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html
 

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An Italian Mama
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ;
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama
 

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How To Be A Gracious Bitch

LOVE IT!!!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly .......... on a broomstick..... Ya know, we are flexible like that.
 

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Old Dog
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 

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Food for Thought

Birth Certificate shows that we were born. A Death Certificate shows that we died. Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything.'
 

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If we could change yesterday,
Today would be so much better,
Then we wouldn't have to worry about tomorrow!

By Golda

************************************************************************

Sand and Stone
Two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey, they had an argument; and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
the one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: today my best friend slapped me in the face.

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath the one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowing, but the friend saved him. After he
recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "Today my best friend saved my life".
The friend sho had slapped and saved his friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The friend replied "When someone hurts us we should
write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate the, a day to love the, but; then an entire life to forget them.

Do not value the things you have in your life, but value who you have in your life!

************************************************************************

British Airways
What small steps are taken to achieve freedom for us all.
This scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg, South Africa & London.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Very disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man. I did not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.
I spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First Class. However, given the circumstances, the Captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."
She turned to the black guy & said, "Therefore, Sir if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up & applauded.
This is a true story. If you are against racism, please send this to all your friends.

WELL DONE, British Airways
 

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The Stranger - So true!
A while ago, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family.
The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family.
In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger...he was our storyteller.
He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!
He took my family to the first major league ball game.
He made me laugh, and he made me cry.
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home...
Not from us, our friends or any visitors.
Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol.
But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis.
He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex.
His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger.
Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.
He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

Categorically, he destroyed all the moral values, ethics, love, time for each other and other good qualities we had in our family...whilst adding some unnoticeable quantity of positive stuff also, which any way we would have had even without him..

His name?.... .. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
We just call him 'TV.'
.

.

.

.

.

.
He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer.'
Their first child is "Cell Phone".
Second child "I Pod"

************************************************************************

Most people walk in and out of your life.....

But friends leave footprints in your heart  (Author unknown)

************************************************************************

Santa Clause and Grandma

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid. I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her. On the way my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered.
"Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her" world-famous" cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything.
She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus?" she snorted..."Ridiculous! Don't you believe it! That rumour has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!!
Now, put on your coat, and let's go." "Go? Go where Grandma" I asked. I hadn't even finished my 2nd world famous cinnamon bun..

"Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars.
That was a bundle in those days. "Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish
their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for..
I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbours, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class.
Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out at recess during the cold weather.
His mother always wrote a note telling the teacher that he had a bad cough but all us kids knew Bobby Decker didn't have a cough, he didn't have a good coat.

I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.
"Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. "Yes ma'am," I replied shyly. "It's for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it..
Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of Santa's helpers.
Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby. Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumours about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous.. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95

May you always have LOVE to share,
HEALTH to spare and
FRIENDS that care...
and may you always believe in the magic of
SANTA CLAUSE !
 

************************************************************************

Dad & Dave

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, Victoria. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day..
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Dad said," Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.
They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan Australia 's finance minister.

Limit all Australian politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
 

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A Judge's Dilemma.
In a small town, a person decided to open up a brothel, which was right opposite to a church. The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the brothel from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his
business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the brothel and it was burnt to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the brothel owner sued the church authorities on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his brothel, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons for the act of God. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at
the hearing and commented:

“I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a brothel owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church that doesn't”.
 

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An Atheist in The Woods
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen.'
 

************************************************************************

Smile

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
 

************************************************************************

Questions That Haunt Me!
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVOURITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

~~Now pass this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****
 

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Talking Army Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figure d a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he 's such a bullshitter. He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy'
 

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Red Marble

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.
I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas.
I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.
I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
'Hello Barry, how are you today?'
'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'
'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'
'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'
'Good. Anything I can help you with?'
'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'
'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.
'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'
'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'
'All I got's my prize marble here.'
'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller.
'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'
'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.
'Not zackley but almost.'
'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble', Mr. Miller told the boy.
'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.
With a smile said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.
When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'
I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.
Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.
Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.
They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men.
One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.
They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket.
Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles.
With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them.
Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about colour or size...they came to pay their debt.'
'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho '.
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
Pass this to the people you'll never forget.
I just Did...
If you don't share this with anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived!

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

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A Touching Story

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what it is?" replied the man.
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour."
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the man.
"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

"Life is waiting"
 

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10 things to learn from Japan
1. THE CALM  Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY  Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY  The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn’t fall.

4. THE GRACE  People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER  No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE  Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. How will they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS  Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak .

8. THE TRAINING  The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that...

9. THE MEDIA  They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins. No silly reporters. Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE  When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly.
 

************************************************************************

Ken & Edna

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Ken would say,  'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' 

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
 

************************************************************************

Irish Burial at Sea
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a
seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their
promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and
loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing
in water up to his knees.

'This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water
is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer think this is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No
this'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side
and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself
into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis,
NOW hand me that shovel.'
 

************************************************************************

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together... there is something you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart... I’ll always be with you.

************************************************************************

"May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
 

************************************************************************

Three Irish Brothers!

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me, ...................
I've Quit Drinking
 

************************************************************************

The Green Thing!!
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she
should bring her

own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the 'green
thing' back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did
not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So
they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in
every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't
climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the
clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the
size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by
hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up
old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.

But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or
a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their
writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the
razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just
because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank
of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized
gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space
in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
 

************************************************************************

Grandpa's Hands
This is good. I'll never look at my hands the same!
Grandpa, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat, I wondered if he was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was OK.
He raised his head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for asking," he said in a clear strong voice.
"I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandpa, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to him.
"Have you ever looked at your hands," he asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?"
I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making. Grandpa smiled and related this story:
"Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shrivelled, and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.
• They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back.
• As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer.
• They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots.
• They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent.
• They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son.
• Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.
• They trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle.
• They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body.
• They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw.
• And to this day, when not much of anything else of me works real well, these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.
• These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life.
• But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home.
• And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."
I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandpa's hands and led him home.
When my hands are hurt or sore I think of Grandpa. I know he has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel his hands upon my face.

************************************************************************

Irish Mirror
 After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
 An old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
 
 In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
 
 Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
 Back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
 He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
 The way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
 The shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
 And look at it.
 
 His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
 So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
 The mirror......................................................................................
 As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
 he's runnin' around with.'

************************************************************************

There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said….

"Clean my house."

************************************************************************

Tap on The Shoulder

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the
shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone
so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
 

************************************************************************

Retirement Bonus

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of$72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
 

************************************************************************

Irish Password Protection
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had
to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
 

************************************************************************

Computers

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives .......

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill 's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
 

************************************************************************

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story.................

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!
(For you o/seas people, a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10, Australia has 9.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
 

************************************************************************

Two stories: both true - and worth reading!!!!

Story Number One

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago . Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.
Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal manoeuvring kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.
To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.
Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.
And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done..
He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street . But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:
"The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still."

Story Number Two
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.
He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.
One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.
He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.
His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.
The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenceless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibre's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.
Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.
Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.
Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.
This took place on February 20th 1942 and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honour.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honour. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?
Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.
 

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Conservative or Green !?!?
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very Green, and among other Green ideals, was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”
She replied - “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter - “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back - “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently - “Welcome to the Conservative side of the fence.”

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Conservative and Green or progressive or neocon I'm all ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Green doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Green is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Green is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Green wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Greens demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Green non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it,
or may choose a job that provides it.
A Green demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Green will delete it because he's "offended." 
 

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Aboriginal Fire fighters
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, WA a fire started
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was
engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments
for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All
of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of
the plant.
They
have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company
that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the fire fighters at bay. Soon more
fire departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire
department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby
Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal
fire fighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated
by these Aboriginal fire fighters, passed the fire engines parked
outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the
Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if
they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time,
the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave
elderly Aboriginal fire fighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The
'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are
you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Coke bottle, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'de first ting we gunnna do is fix dem brakes on dat plurry old
truck, eh!!'
 

************************************************************************

Old Timers Bar
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Port Macquarie, Australia . They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.? They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender
Serves up four iced martinis....Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please..' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar.? Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
 

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Noah Today
In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in Australia and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Koalas "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the koalas - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Taxation Department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."
 

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Observations on Growing Older

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good..
Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"... they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...
movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names .... but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem ....
were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ...
"what?"..."when?".. ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,
but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...
2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
 

Love you, "OLD FRIEND!"
It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived
 

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The Gift

~THE GIFT OF LISTENING~ But, you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening.

~THE GIFT OF AFFECTION~ Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

~THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER~ Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

~THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE~ It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note, or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

~THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT~ A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job," or "That was a wonderful meal", can make someone's day.

~THE GIFT OF A FAVOUR~ Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

~THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE~ There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

~THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION~ The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank You."

~And Don't Forget ~

LOVE is A Gift We Can Give Every Day!!!
 

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Wellie's Boots

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on
his "Wellie boot's"?
He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on
the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said,
"They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mum made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's"

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Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon
a preacher baptising people in the river.
 

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking
his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,' For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?

************************************************************************

Change Your Thinking

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene. One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed. It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .'

I hope you will pass this on to all your friends to whom need encouragement & blessings.
 

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5 Old Ladies
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
 

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An Irish Family Tradition
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on
the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were
all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in
August.

************************************************************************

The True Story of Rudolph
A man named Bob May, depressed and broken-hearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night.

His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bob's wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad's eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob.

Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.

Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one - a storybook! Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose. Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn't end there.

The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print,_ Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer_ and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book.

In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn't end there either.

Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore , it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas."

The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing.

************************************************************************

And then it is Winter

You know . . . time has a way of moving quickly
and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young,
just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.
And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,
and I wonder where all the years went.

I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...
But, here it is, the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well...
seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people
were years away from me and that winter was so far off
that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is...
my friends are retired and getting gray...
they move slower and I see an older person now.
Some are in better and some worse shape than me...
but, I see the great change...
Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...
but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks
that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!
And taking a nap is not a treat anymore ... it's mandatory!
Cause if I don't on my own free will .. I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so . . .
now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared
for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability
to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over...its over....
Yes , I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done ,,,,,things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done.
It's all in a lifetime....

So, if you're not in your winter yet...
let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.
So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly!
Don't put things off too long!!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today,
as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life . . . so,
live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember . . .
and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things
that you have done for them in all the years past!!
 

"Life is a gift to you.
The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Make it a fantastic one".

LIVE IT WELL!!

ENJOY TODAY!

DO SOMETHING FUN!

BE HAPPY!

BE THANKFUL!
 

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One Of The Best Stories I've Ever Heard!!!!!
As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around..'

His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.'

His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.'

! By now, Mrs. Thompson realised the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on he r wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mum used to.'

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honours. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favourite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favourite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, 'Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference'

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back She said, 'Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'

(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)

Warm someone's heart today. . . pass this along. I love this story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference in someone's life today? tomorrow? just 'do it'.

Random acts of kindness, I think they call it!
 

************************************************************************

Who knew?
Did you know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers?

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 tablespoon horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil for instant relief for aching muscles.
 

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus: Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine Mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... to prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... if menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Tomato Paste boil cure.. cover the boil with Tomato Paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... to disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises... soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... it's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

If you let one person know about this... then it was worth it.
 

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"Life is all about choices. When you cut away
All the junk, every situation is a choice.
 

Because Of Love!!!
A brother and sister had made their usual hurried, obligatory pre-Christmas visit to the little farm where dwelt their elderly parents with their small herd of horses. The farm was where they had grown up and had been named Lone Pine Farm because of the huge pine, which topped the hill behind the farm. Through the years the tree had become a talisman to the old man and his wife, and a landmark in the countryside. The young siblings had fond memories of their childhood here, but the city hustle and bustle added more excitement to their lives, and called them away to a different life.

The old folks no longer showed their horses, for the years had taken their toll, and getting out to the barn on those frosty mornings was getting harder, but it gave them a reason to get up in the mornings and a reason to live. They sold a few foals each year, and the horses were their reason for joy in the morning and contentment at day's end.
Angry, as they prepared to leave, the young couple confronted the old folks "Why do you not at least dispose of “The Old One." She is no longer of use to you. It's been years since you've had foals from her. You should cut corners and save so you can have more for yourselves. How can this old worn out horse bring you anything but expense and work? Why do you keep her anyway?"
The old man looked down at his worn boots, holes in the toes, scuffed at the barn floor and replied, " Yes, I could use a pair of new boots.
His arm slid defensively about the Old One's neck as he drew her near with gentle caressing he rubbed her softly behind her ears. He replied softly, "We keep her because of love. Nothing else, just love.
Baffled and irritated, the young folks wished the old man and his wife a Merry Christmas and headed back toward the city as darkness stole through the valley.
The old couple shook their heads in sorrow that it had not been a happy visit. A tear fell upon their cheeks. How is it that these young folks do not understand the peace of the love that filled their hearts?
So it was, that because of the unhappy leave-taking, no one noticed the insulation smouldering on the frayed wires in the old barn. None saw the first spark fall. None but the "Old One".
In a matter of minutes, the whole barn was ablaze and the hungry flames were licking at the loft full of hay. With a cry of horror and despair, the old man shouted to his wife to call for help as he raced to the barn to save their beloved horses. But the flames were roaring now, and the blazing heat drove him back. He sank sobbing to the ground, helpless before the fire's fury. His wife back from calling for help cradled him in her arms, clinging to each other, they wept at their loss.
By the time the fire department arrived, only smoking, glowing ruins were left, and the old man and his wife, exhausted from their grief, huddled together before the barn. They were speechless as they rose from the cold snow covered ground. They nodded thanks to the firemen, as there was nothing anyone could do now. The old man turned to his wife, resting her white head upon his shoulders as his shaking old hands clumsily dried her tears with a frayed red bandana. Brokenly he whispered, "We have lost much, but God has spared our home on this eve of Christmas. Let us gather strength and climb the hill to the old pine where we have sought comfort in times of despair. We will look down upon our home and give thanks to God that it has been spared and pray for our beloved most precious gifts that have been taken from us.
And so, he took her by the hand and slowly helped her up the snowy hill as he brushed aside his own tears with the back of his old and withered hand; the journey up the hill was hard for their old bodies in the steep snow.
As they stepped over the little knoll at the crest of the hill, they paused to rest; looking up to the top of the hill the old couple gasped and fell to their knees in amazement at the incredible beauty before them. Seemingly, every glorious, brilliant star in the heavens was caught up in the glittering, snow-frosted branches of their beloved pine, and it was aglow with heavenly candles. And poised on its top most bough, a crystal crescent moon glistened like spun glass. Never had a mere mortal created a Christmas tree such as this. They were breathless as the old man held his wife tighter in his arms.
Suddenly, the old man gave a cry of wonder and incredible joy. Amazed and mystified, he took his wife by the hand and pulled her forward. There, beneath the tree, in resplendent glory, a mist hovering over and glowing in the darkness was their Christmas gift.
Shadows glistening in the night; bedded down about the "Old One" close to the trunk of the tree, was the entire herd, safe. At the first hint of smoke, she had pushed the door ajar with her muzzle and had led the horses through it. Slowly and with great dignity, never looking back, she had led them up the hill, stepping cautiously through the snow. The foals were frightened and dashed about. The skittish yearlings looked back at the crackling, hungry flames, and tucked their tails under them as they licked their lips and hopped like rabbits. The mares that were in foal with a new years crop of babies, pressed uneasily against the "Old One" as she moved calmly up the hill and to safety beneath the pine. And now she lay among them and gazed at the faces of the old man and his wife. Those she loved she had not disappointed. Her body was brittle with years, tired from the climb, but the golden eyes were filled with devotion as she offered her gift---Because of love. Only Because of love. flowed as the old couple shouted their praise and joy... And again the peace of love filled their hearts.
This is a true story.
This is an Inspirational message sent to a small group of people. My hope is that it will make your day just a little bit better.

Friendship isn't
a big thing.
It's a million
little things.
 

************************************************************************

Education....
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
 The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, comes the reply

************************************************************************

Blondes Get Even

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"


FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

************************************************************************

How To Call The Police When You're Old
Phillip Lewiston, an elderly man, from Norwich, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Phillip opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
Phillip said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Lewiston's' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed..

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people
 

************************************************************************

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night!
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow travelling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
 

************************************************************************

Stay!
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.
"Your son is here," she said to the old man.

She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.
Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength.
Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.
Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked. The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
The next time someone needs you ... just be there. Stay.

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.
WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE. (love this line)
Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's
 

************************************************************************

Rural Australian Computer Terminology
A little bit of Aussie Culture.....
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
 

************************************************************************

Someone's watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash light off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

************************************************************************

Seamus & Bessie

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was suing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor
'I didn't ask for any details',' Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the ,,,,,, would you have said'?
 

************************************************************************

When I Say I'm Broke - I'm Broke!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...."

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.... ''Don't be too hasty,'' he said, ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!"
 

************************************************************************

Mike & Joe

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved Rugby all our lives, and we played Rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's Rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's Rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play Rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."
 

************************************************************************

Interesting

Hi... I'm Your Liver!
Let me tell you
how much I love you...in 9 ways

1. I store the iron reserves
 you need, as well as a

lot of vitamins and
other minerals.

Without me, you
wouldn't have the
strength to carry on!

2. I make bile to help
digest your food.
 

Without me, you'd
waste away to
nothing.

3. I detoxify poisonous
chemicals you give me,
and that includes alcohol,
beer, wine and drugs
(prescribed and over-the-
counter) as well as illegal
substances.
 

Without me, your "bad"
habits would kill you.

4. I store energy, like a
battery, by stockpiling
sugar (carbohydrates,
glucose and fat) until
you need it.
 

Without me, the sugar
level in your blood
could fall dramatically
and you'd go into a
coma.

5. I make the blood that
got your system going
even before you were
born.
 

Without me, you
wouldn't be here!

6. I manufacture new
proteins that your body
needs to stay healthy
and grow.
 

Without me, you
wouldn't grow properly!

7. I remove poisons from
the air, exhaust smoke
and chemicals you
breathe.
 

Without me, you'd be
poisoned by pollutants!

8. I make clotting factors
that stop the bleeding
when you accidentally
prick yourself.
 

Without me, you'd bleed to
death!

9. I help defend you against
the germs going into your
body all the time. I take
those cold germs, flu bugs
and other germs you
encounter, and knock them
dead - or at least weaken
them.
 

Without me, you'd be a
sitting duck for every
infection know to man.

That's how much
I love you...
but do you love me?

Let me tell you some easy ways to
love me, your liver!!!

* Don't drown me in beer, alcohol or
wine!
Even one drink is too much for some
people and could scar me for life.

* Watch those drugs!

All drugs are chemicals, and
when you mix them up
without a doctor's advice you
could create something
poisonous that could damage
me badly.

* I scar easily.. and those scars, called "cirrhosis" are
permanent.
Medicine is sometimes necessary. But taking pills
when they aren't necessary is a bad habit. All those
chemicals can really hurt a liver.

* Be careful with aerosol
sprays!

* Remember, I have to
detoxify what you breathe
in, too. So when you are
cleaning with aerosol
cleaners, make sure the
room is ventilated, or wear
a mask.

* That goes double for bug sprays, mildew sprays,
paint sprays and all those other chemical sprays
you use. Be careful what you breathe!

Watch what gets on your skin! Those insecticides you put
on trees and shrubs not only kill bugs they can get to
me right through your skin and destroy my cells, too.
Remember they're all chemicals.

Cover your skin with gloves, long sleeves, a hat and mask
every time insecticides are in the air or if you're
handling them.

WARNING:

I can't and won't tell you I'm in trouble until
I'm almost at the end of my rope... and yours.

Remember: I am a non-complainer. Overloading me with
drugs, alcohol and other junk can destroy me! This may
be the only warming you will ever get.

Take My Advice, Please!
* Check me out with your doctor.
* Blood screening tests can identify some trouble.
* If I'm soft and smooth, that's good. If I'm hard and
bumpy, that could mean trouble.
* If your doctor suspects trouble, ULTRA SOUND and CT
scans can look into it.
* My life, and yours, depends on how you treat me.

* Now you know how much I care
for you.
* Please treat me with tender
loving care.

Your silent partner and
ever-loving lover ...LIVER

When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit
from it, share it with others.

************************************************************************

Some Greek Wisdom

A boat docked on a tiny Greek island.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their
fish and asked how long it took them to catch.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" he asked.
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient
to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take
siestas with our wives. In the afternoons we have a snack at the beach
or go into the village to see our friends at the Kafenio,
have a few drinks and play tavli.
In the evenings we go to a tavern play the bouzouki and sing a
few songs, maybe break a plate or two. We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

" And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Athens or even London!
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
" And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, "
answered the tourist, laughing.
"When your business gets really big,
you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
" After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta
with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect, that's exactly what we are doing now.
So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?"
asked the Greek fishermen?

And the moral of this story is:
Know where you're going in life....
you may already be there!

************************************************************************

Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport
We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.
My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.
As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so ... Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!
 

************************************************************************

Attitude
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head..
"H-M-M," she said,  "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."  So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YAY!" she exclaimed. "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary,  for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle .
Live simply, Love generously,
Care deeply, Speak kindly.......

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....
It's about learning to dance in the rain.
 

************************************************************************

The Soldier

He was getting old and paunchy. And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the RSL, Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in. And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; They were heroes, every one.

And though sometimes to his neighbors. His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly. For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer, For old Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer, For a Soldier died today.

He won't be mourned by many, Just his children and his wife..
For he lived an ordinary, Very quiet sort of life.
He held a job and raised a family, Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing. Though a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,. And proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell of their life stories. From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier. Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution. To the welfare of our land,
Some jerk who breaks his promise. And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow. Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country. And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend. And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate, To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier, Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal. And perhaps a pension, small.
It's so easy to forget them, For it is so many times
That our Bobs and Jims and Johnny's, Went to battle, but we know,

It is not the politicians. With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom. That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger, With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out, With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier-- His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier, Who would fight until the end.

He was just a common Soldier, And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us. We may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles. That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor. While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage. At the ending of his days..

Perhaps just a simple headline. In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING, A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

Pass On The Patriotism!  YOU can make a difference
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank cheque made payable to ' Australia ', ' New Zealand ', ' Canada ', 'Great Britain', 'The United States ' or any other God fearing country for an amount "up to and including my life".
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this WORLD who no longer understand it.
 

************************************************************************

The Irish Millionaire
For sure that is the luck of the Irish for you!!!

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
   A) Sparrow

B) Thrush
C) Magpie
 D) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue.." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple; It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
 

************************************************************************

Two Horses

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.
From a distance, each looks like every other horse.
But if you stop your car or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.
His owner has chosen not to have him put down but has made a good home for him.
This alone is amazing. If nearby and listening, you will hear the sound of a bell.
Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the
smaller horse in the field.
Attached to her halter is a small bell.
It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.
As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see how she is always checking on him,
and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is,
trusting that she will not lead him astray.
When she returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, she stops
occasionally and looks back, making sure her friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, SPIRIT does not throw us away just because
we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.
THEY watch over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those
who SPIRIT places in our lives.
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.
Good friends are like this .
You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle".

Unconditional Love Is What Keeps Every One

Smiling And Able To Work Through

Their Own Trials.
Share Your Unconditional Love

With Everyone In Your World.

Smile & Just "BE" 
 

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Retarded Grandparents 
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS!

Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give them a laugh too!!

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Highway 109
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup, On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about. And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies, For death was in the air.

A mother, trapped inside her car, Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air: Oh, God, please spare my boys!

She fought to loose her pinned hands; She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast. In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused. On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen; She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, Oh, God, don't let them die!

Then firemen came and cut her loose, But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys, But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad. And was travelling alone,
But when they turned to question her, They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild. And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication, Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts; Their jeans are blue to match.

One cop spoke up, They're in my car, And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there. And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom. To come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low, But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene, I guess, and that is very bad.

The mother hugged the twins and said, While wiping at a tear,
He could not flee the scene, you see, For he's been dead a year.

The cop just looked confused and asked, Now, how can that be true?
The boys said, Mommy, Daddy came. And left a kiss for you.
He told us not to worry. And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with. The pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us, Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight. And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand. And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy, He's watching over us.

The mother knew without a doubt. That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words, I will watch over you.

The firemen's notes could not explain. The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped. Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed, In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
 

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Lucky Dog....

This really is a great story! Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't and you may even decide you need one!

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.

Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favourite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box..

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease....in fact; she was just sure it was fatal.

She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders. The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him! The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.

Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap..

Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.

When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life.
He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day. It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky, he still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure..
 

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Touching poem by bereaved parents

"Memories are the loveliest thing
They last from day to day
They can’t get lost, they don't wear out
and can’t be given away."

Unknown author

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The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I were travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George, in Canada. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly weren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk told me that $350.00 was the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
 

The Manager appeared, listened to me, and then explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.’ But we didn't use them," I said.’ Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York ,Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager said.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied,” But we didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

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Defining Calories:
Calories are the little beggars that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter!
 

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The Goldberg Brothers

 The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg Brothers
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max,
invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July
17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford 's office and
sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were
there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since
the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused
and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130
degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off
immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office,
where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air
Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two
million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed
on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself !!! Just share It.
 

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Too Good Not To Share

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ...
"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

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Cinnamon and Honey
Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will do what I rather call "crystallizing" When this happens I loosen the lid, boil some water, and sit the honey container in the hot water, turn off the heat and let it liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was. Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Cinnamon and Honey
Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around. Facts on Honey and Cinnamon: It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.
Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:

Heart Diseases
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack.. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.

Arthritis
Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.

Bladder Infections
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder..

Cholesterol
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

Colds
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.

Upset Stomach
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

Gas
According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

Immune System
Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

Indigestion
Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

Influenza
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ' Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

Longevity
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old..

Pimples
Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

Skin Infections
Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

Weight Loss
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

Cancer
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.

Fatigue
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.

Bad Breath
People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

Hearing Loss
Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

You may wish to share this information with family, friends and email buddies. Everyone needs healthy help information --- what they do with it is up to them!!!

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Still Know Who She Is
This is beautiful..... we don't often realize just what we have, until it is no longer there.......life is Beautiful..... 

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's
arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry
as he had an appointment at 9:00am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over
an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his
watch and decided since I wasn't busy with another patient, I would
evaluate his wound. On examining it I saw it was well healed, so I talked
to one of the doctors and got the needed supplies to remove his sutures
and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's
appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me
no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his
wife.

I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a
while! As she is a victim of Alzheimer's disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He
replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized
him in five years now.
I was surprised and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even
though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me but I still
know who she is.' I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps
on my arm and thought,
'That is the kind of love I want in my life. True love is neither physical
nor romantic'.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not
be.
Peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank. The happiest people
don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of
everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about, .. Life isn't
about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain.

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a
loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called
Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs.
But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called
Perseverance, insurance called Faith, a driver called Almighty God, you
will make it to a place called Success.

Pass it on to people whom you want to see blessed.

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Transylvania Epic

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! .....
The Hills are alive, with the sound of music!"

(I am sooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

What did you expect...
it's free from a demented website owner on the Internet.

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Imagine This

This really does make a POWERFUL statement ... one we all probably need to dwell on more than we do.

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use. However, this prize had rules, just as any game has certain rules.
The first set of rules would be:
Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.
You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it.
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.

The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, it's over, the game is over! It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right? Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?

ACTUALLY, this GAME is REALITY!
Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank. We just can't seem to see it.
The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.
What we haven't lived up that day is forever lost.
Yesterday is forever gone.
Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time....WITHOUT WARNING.

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
Aren't they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?
Think about that, and always think of this:
Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.
So take care of yourself, and enjoy life!

Here's wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!!

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Recycled Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad, actually it's kind of cute.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Phil came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Phil'

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Need Washing?
A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Wal Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.
It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.. We all stood there, under the awning, just inside the door of the Wal Mart.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day.

I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, 'Mom let's run through the rain,'
she said. 'What?' Mom asked.
'Let's run through the rain!' She repeated. 'No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mom replied.
This young child waited a minute and repeated: 'Mom, let's run through the rain..'
'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mom said. 'No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'
'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ' If God can get us through this, He can get us through anything! ' '

The entire crowd stopped dead silent.. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain.. We all stood silently. No one left. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.
Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
'Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just need washing,' Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They got soaked.

They were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did.
I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...

So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other...
and don't forget to run in the rain!

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Just in case you didn't know what to do with it.. LOL!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed
a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" Pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I
found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
haven't had the flu all winter."

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be
five fewer people smiling in the world and not knowing what to do
with a condom!

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Old Folk

OLD people have problems that we haven't even considered yet!
They are: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home &bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office &gave him the jar, which was as clean & empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened & the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with teeth out & still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door & she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, & she even tried squeezing it between her knees & still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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The History of 'APRONS'

 Remember making an apron in Home economics? Read below:

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,
because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and
they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for
removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used
for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the
garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the
trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much
furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron,
and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace
that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron.

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Houses of Worship

There were five houses of worship
in a small Florida town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue...

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide
what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-
destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's
divine will.

In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in
the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on
the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.
The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many
there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not
in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely
trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of
town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But......The Catholic Church came up with the best and most
effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered
them as members of the church. Now they only see them on
Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took
one squirrel and had a short service with him called
circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

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How old is Grandpa?
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events..
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
* television
* penicillin
* polio shots
 * frozen foods
* Xerox
* contact lenses
* Frisbees and
* the pill
There were no:
* credit cards
* laser beams or
* ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
* pantyhose
*air conditioners
* dishwashers
* clothes dryers
* and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
* man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, day care centres, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents
Ice-c ream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon
In my day:
* 'grass' was mowed,
* 'coke' was a cold drink,
* 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
* 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
* 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
* ' chip' meant a piece of wood,
* 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
* 'software' wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years old.

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Lesson to Be Learnt

A young man was getting ready to graduate college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's
showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private  study.

His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.

Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible. Angrily,
he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his
father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make
arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.

He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. As he
read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the
sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

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Clever Chicken Farmer
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept
calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

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A Keeper
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, work shirt and a hat; and Mum in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things: a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.. All that re-fixing, re-heating leftovers, renewing; I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But when my mother died, and I was standing in that clear morning light in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return. So... While we have it, it's best we love it... And care for it... And fix it when it's broken... And heal it when it's sick.

This is true: For marriage... And old cars... And children with bad report cards... Dogs and cats with bad hips... And aging parents... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep, like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important,
like people we know who are special... And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper,' Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are 'keepers' in your life. Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there!

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SHOULDS

SHOULD ... I will not SHOULD on myself today! I won't let others SHOULD on me today either!

Immediately after my daughter died, I was bombarded on all sides with lots of SHOULDS.

"You SHOULD keep a stiff upper lip; be strong for the rest of the family."

Do's and Don't

No need to think up wise sayings to comfort the bereaved. They won't take it in anyway. Just let your genuine concern and caring show. Be there. Listen, assure them by your warmth and touch that you care.

DO be available...to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time. They won't ask for help, so do what is necessary, particularly in providing nutritious food rather than sponge cakes, etc.

DO say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain.

DO allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.

DO encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves. Make them feel they are allowed to grieve.

DO allow them to talk about the child they have lost as much and as often as they want to.

DO talk about the special, endearing qualities of the child they've lost. If you knew the child, you have a special gift to give.

DO give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters - at the funeral and in the months to come. They too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give at this time.

DO reassure them that they did everything they could, that the medical care their child received was the best or whatever else you know to be true and positive about the care given their child.

DO focus on the Dad equally with the Mum. He is overwhelmed and has desperate needs of his own.

DON'T let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved parent.

DON'T be frightened to see your bereaved friends.

DON'T avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends adds pain to an already intolerably painful experience.

DON'T say you know how they feel. Unless you've lost a child yourself you definitely don't know how they feel. Loosing a parent of spouse is a totally different feeling.

DON'T say "You ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings.

DON'T tell them what they SHOULD feel or do. If they feel justifiably guilty, accept this. Help them to feel worthy again by pointing out their strengths.

DON'T change the subject when they mention their dead child.

DON'T avoid mentioning the child's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain; they haven't forgotten.

DON'T try to find something positive about the child's death, e.g.; a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.

DON'T preach, this is not the time to straighten out their spiritual lives.

DON'T point out at least they have other children. Children are not interchangeable, they cannot replace each other.

DON'T say that they can always have another child. Even if they wanted to and could, another child would not replace the child they have lost.

DON'T suggest that they should be grateful for their other children. Grief over the loss of one child does not discount the love of others.

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Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind.
Alice Meynell

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The Cracked Pot

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water..
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do ha lf of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

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When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri.
The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? . . . .. . What do you see? What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise, Uncertain of habit . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . and makes no reply. When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . . the things that you do. And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet. Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap. Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own. Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast, Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . have grown and are gone, But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee, Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead. I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own. And I think of the years . . . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . and nature is cruel. Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigour, depart. There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells, And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain. And I'm loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . gone too fast. And accept the stark fact . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . open and see. Not a crabby old man . . . Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.
We will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of
this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.

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Shopping List with a difference

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcomed to.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' "Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe..' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and click out of this page or email this to someone else to spread the laughs.

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.

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