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JOKES 'N' STUFF
Jokes 'N' Stuff Here you will find jokes and sometimes some serious articles. If you do not have a broad sense of humour or may seriously be affected by what you read we suggest you do not read on, as some of these maybe offensive. RAINBOW BRIDGE AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: Good Luck! Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger? I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcomed to. FUNNY - What Things Were "Before The Computer".... This is really funny, particularly for us older folks, that remember what use to be....
"Memory" was something you lost with age! an "Application" was for employment! Why parents drink!! The New Alphabet Age before beauty is what we once said, A's for arthritis; Heart-Warming story!
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here,
that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all or our special friends so they can run and
play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill are restored to health and vigour;
those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just
as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they
each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes they suddenly stop
and look into the distance. Her bright eyes are intent; her eager body
quivers. Suddenly she begins to run from the group, flying over the
green grass, her legs carry her faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally
meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the
beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet,
so long gone from your life, but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together......
Author Unknown
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead.
There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese.....
Thumb represents your Parents
Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings
Middle finger represents Yourself
Fourth (Ring) finger represents your Life Partner
& the Last Little finger represents your Children
Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers inward and hold them together - knuckle to knuckle
Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb - tip to tip.
Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents)..., they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later.
Now join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings)...., they will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.
Now rejoin the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers (representing your children)...., they will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.
Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers (representing your spouse).
You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT......, because Husband & Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!
Interesting huh?
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' "Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe..' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and click out of this page or email this to someone else to spread the laughs.
Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.
a "Program" was a TV show!
a "Cursor" used profanity!
a "keyboard" was a piano part!
a "web" was a spider's home!
a "virus" was the flu!
a "CD" was a bank account!
a "hard drive" was a long trip on the road!
a "mouse pad" was where a mouse lived!
And if you had a "3 inch floppy" . .. you just hoped nobody ever found out!
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacey and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her peircings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacey said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacey can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now... The Alphabet
A
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between
A little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to
Believe in the goodness of people and that here is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One
Day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
Empty lot. The young family's 5 year-old daughter naturally took an interest
In all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
'gems-in-the-rough', more or less... Adopted her as a kind of
Project mascot.
They hated with her, let her sit with them while they had
Coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
Make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they presented her with
A pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to
Her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
That they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to
Start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally
Impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her
Very
Own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I
Worked all last week with a construction crew building a house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the
House
Again this week too?
The little girl replied... 'I will if those useless
C**ts at Bunnings ever bring us the f*cking gyprock.'
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